


wanna be missed

by imnayeonsgf



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, F/F, maybe fluff l8r, twice
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-21
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-09 21:05:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14723576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imnayeonsgf/pseuds/imnayeonsgf
Summary: The two of them locked eyes, as Nayeon stood there looking like an unfinished sculpture. Words would not leave her mouth, as she had lost her sense of bravery years ago, when she had decided to abandon the one person who loved her unconditionally.





	1. Chapter 1

Im Nayeon always walked with purpose, as if there was an important meeting she was almost late for. Her head held high, her arms at her side, moving only due to gravity; her knees buckled in place, allowing her feet to move in a rhythmic pace that became music to her ears. She walked toward no destination, as she often did when her head felt full of thoughts. She walked, and walked, and walked, until she saw a sight she hoped to never see again. 

The poise she once possessed was gone. The purpose that once surged through her left her body. Had she been weaker, she would have turned to water in a matter of seconds. Still, her knees were suddenly shaking, and she felt a terrible tug in the pit of her stomach. Perhaps it was karma, thrusting that rusty knife into her stomach, or she was going to be sick from the meal she had eaten earlier that day. Whatever it was, it didn't mask the fact that Myoui Mina, high school sweetheart, college ex-girlfriend, once abandoned but never forgotten, was walking toward her now. Nayeon didn't know if Mina had noticed her, so she began to devise a plan that would disappear her from the woman's sight—but it was too immature, too high school of her to do. So she stood her ground and took a deep breath as her eyes surveyed every cell in Mina's body. 

Mina had not changed one bit. She was undoubtedly the same Mina whose heart had been broken, whose heart had once belonged to Nayeon. With each step of Mina's defined legs came a memory that made the pain in Nayeon's gut tug harder. _Click_ , complained the heel under Mina's feet; in Nayeon's head, a picture of the two, laying side by side in the college quad; _clack_ —their two-year anniversary; _click_ —when Nayeon left her. It was a trance, really, one that was interrupted by the collision of their gazes. 

Nayeon became paralyzed with fear, regret, and guilt. She was at a loss for words, at a loss for emotions. And then came the smile. A feigned smile, but a smile nonetheless. It was the type of smile that read, _I'm sorry_ , and at the same time, _I want this as much as you do_ , which is to say, not at all. The two of them locked eyes, as Nayeon stood there looking like an unfinished sculpture. Words would not leave her mouth, as she had lost her sense of bravery years ago, when she had decided to abandon the one person who loved her unconditionally.

"Nayeon," Mina said firmly, the first one to speak. "Welcome back..."

The expressions on Mina's face changed drastically, and Nayeon saw that. Though the moment happened so fast, Nayeon saw it all in slow motion, as if every second was coated with a time-stopping spell that made her pain worsen with each passing second. Nayeon's brain scrambled for words as she stood there, dumbfounded and pale from shock of the sudden apparition. _Welcome back_ , Mina spewed, with the same enthusiasm one would have at a funeral. _If only_ , Nayeon thought, wanting nothing more than to be swallowed and buried by the concrete under her feet. But if wishing and hoping were things that could get her out of trouble, then she wouldn't have found herself in this mess in the first place. Perhaps logic, had she possessed any, would've saved her from all of this. 

Nayeon had been _happy_ with Mina, beyond happy. She was in pure bliss, waking up almost every morning to the girl next to her in deep slumber. She would often watch in admiration as Mina slept, wondering how the hell she had gotten so lucky, and if the happiness would ever last. _I guess you got your answer_ , Nayeon wrote once in her diary, one she had started soon after she had abandoned the other. Nayeon's lips parted, thousands of words laying at the tip of her tongue, but only emptiness escaping her lips. 

"Mina—you look well— _good_. You look good." These were the first words she allowed herself to say, wondering if it was the right time to apologize, or if it was time to lie. "I meant to visit you," Nayeon said, making an empty promise, something she had gotten quite good at lately. But she meant it, except she knew the timing wasn't right. "I've been so caught up with my father's company, I barely have time to myself." As she spoke, Nayeon couldn't find the strength, courage or bravery to look Mina in the eyes. She was afraid that Mina would see through her lies and her sadness. "I really mean that." Her words came out in fragments through the shakiness in her tone. Still, she did not apologize. _It's not the right time_ , Nayeon reminded herself, wondering if the right time would ever come. 

Mina just stared at Nayeon, her eyes glazed over with sadness. "Well, it's been four years. I guess you're really good at putting things off."

"Mina..." Nayeon said under her breath the moment she felt the poison in Mina's words entering her bloodstream. _I wanted to see you_ , she said in her head, her lips parted—so close to saying those words, yet too afraid to utter them. "I—"

"Obviously, you didn't come here to see me," Mina interrupted. "Why are you back?"

Suddenly this felt like an inquisition, a feeling with which Nayeon was not familiar, as she never made herself into some helpless victim. But now, all she wanted was to appear as such in front of Mina, to be forgiven and taken back with no questions. Nayeon let out a sigh, deciding that from now on, she wanted to be honest and open. No more dancing around questions, no more beating around the bush, as the old saying went. "My father opened up a branch of his company here, so I'm managing it for him. That's the reason why—"

The words that would follow that sentence were: the reason why _I left_ , but those words were too honest for Nayeon to digest. Even in her honesty, she decided to omit the entire truth, not revealing to Mina that she had been back for almost a year, holed up in her new apartment near the city. 

"I can tell you more, but it feels weird talking about it here, in the middle of town." Nayeon smiled; a smile followed by an awkward chuckle. "Let me buy you coffee?" It was the least she could do. Literally. There were so many things she would have to do to make it up to Mina, but Nayeon knew that whatever she did would never be enough. "I want to know what you've been up to. I've—" 

Nayeon stopped herself again. More than anything, Nayeon wanted to know if Mina had been seeing anyone. But instead of asking the question, she decided she would muster up the courage to say what was on her mind. After a low sigh, she finished her thought.

"I've missed you." 

This was supposed to be the part where she entwined hands with Mina, her head resting on her shoulders as they walked in silence. That was what would happen four years ago. But this was not four years ago. Every thought felt like a sharp twist of a knife in Nayeon's chest. Four years ago, they were madly in love. Never in her life did Nayeon think she would love someone the way she had learned to love and trust Mina. Though Nayeon's family was close, and her parents had yet to get a divorce (the "yet" still pending), love was never in the air, as the song went. It was difficult to believe in love, when she never witnessed it in the first place. But it was Mina that had taught her how, and it was Mina who reminded her of that now. Nayeon felt silly thinking those thoughts, but she felt flooded by every second that passed. She felt lightheaded. 

"We can just talk, Nayeon, you don't have to buy me anything," Mina said, much to Nayeon's surprise. Maybe not _everything_ was not doomed. The offer had been accepted. Nayeon smiled, a genuine smile this time, followed by a sigh of relief.

"Okay," Nayeon said as she nodded her head. She was trying hard to remain still and not show how eager she was, but the thought of talking to Mina―perhaps even explaining everything―was everything she had waited for.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more characters will be introduced soon ok ot9 is coming slowly but surely..

Myoui Mina's kindness was second to none. A rational person would have declined Nayeon's offer and walked off without saying another word, but not Mina. Mina, the girl who always gave people the benefit of the doubt. Mina, who, even despite all the pain Nayeon had caused her, was willing to hear what she had to say. Guilt panged at Nayeon's chest. They weren't even together anymore and she _still_ didn't deserve her.

They began their steps in silence, the only sound around being the clicks of their shoes against the pavement. The tension had been built, and it was time to tear it down. To start with an apology felt phony to Nayeon, but starting with anything else seemed almost more dishonest. In the end, it was only right to start with some truth, even if it was far from the obvious thing they needed to talk about. Nayeon wondered how long they would dance around it, and who would be the one to bring it up first. The thought was terrifying. 

"Alright," Nayeon started, the word seeming alien on her tongue. "This is crazy." Her tone was almost a whisper as she spoke, feeling as though she was in another one of her dreams, where she found herself reunited with Mina only to be woken up right before their lips touched. "I thought that after graduation you would just...leave the state. We always did want to leave." Nayeon regretted the words the moment they came out. _We_. There was no "we", she had to remind herself. There would never be a we.

Mina, visibly uncomfortable, cleared her throat and gave a tiny shrug. "I thought I wanted to, too, but this is home," Mina said quietly. "Now that I think about it, starting over in a completely different place...living a life without my family and friends. It'd be too hard."

"I get that," Nayeon replied. Mina had a wonderful support system in her family and an abundance of friends. Nayeon understood why she couldn't bring herself to leave this beloved town. Some of the best memories of their lives were made here. "I'm glad you stayed, though." A pause. "And I'm really glad I ran into you." The words were drawn out as Nayeon said them, her eyes fixating on Mina's face; her eyes were always beautiful, and her lips—god how she missed those. "I didn't think I would ever see you again."

Mina scoffed loudly at that. Even Mina, kind and soft-spoken as she was, wouldn't let that slide. "Except you could've, Nayeon! You could have contacted me! But it's not like you even tried!"

Had the wind been stronger or her knees weaker, Nayeon would have collapsed right in front of Mina—right in front of everyone that was witnessing the tense exchange between the estranged lovers. But she buckled her knees, tightened her gut and stopped dead in her tracks, realizing, just now, the hurt that she had caused Mina. She knew she had hurt Mina, she knew it more than she knew anything else. But it wasn't until this very moment that Nayeon truly realized the hurt she had caused the other woman. It wasn't until those words left Mina's lips that she knew how grave what she had done truly was.

"You're right, Mina," Nayeon said. "I could've called, I could've texted, I could've woken you up in the middle of the night. I could've done so many things—I could've _stayed_." Nayeon felt her voice tremble, her chest growing heavy with pain, and her hands shaking. She would give anything in the world to sit down. She felt heavy with emotions and guilt, and she didn't quite know how to handle it. It was, after all, the first time she had felt this stricken with so many feelings at once. 

"And you know what?" Nayeon continued, her words a thin whisper. "I should have. I wish I had..." And then Nayeon paused, wondering what to do next. Her eyes had filled with tears. In her head, she told herself she would not cry. _Don't cry_ , _don't do it_. Not because she didn't want to seem weak, but because she would be crying for the wrong reasons. She would cry because she felt a guilt too strong. She turned away from Mina, as to hide her teary eyes. Nayeon's fingers combed through her dark hair as she did, wanting nothing more than for the shouting in her head to stop. _Don't cry_ , _don't cry_ , _don't cry_.

"But you left," Mina reminded her, her own voice breaking. "Y-you left and everything fell apart," she stuttered, taking a deep breath to try and calm herself down. "Did you realize I wasn't enough for you? Is that why?"

Nayeon turned instantly, her eyes dried of tears and her courage somehow intact, not because she felt braver, but because the last thing she wanted was for Mina to think that this mess was all her fault. She approached Mina, at first hesitant to even get near her. She was afraid that this was a terrible nightmare from which she would wake up. Her arms twitched as they impulsively made a move to grace Mina's arms with comfort. In that second, Nayeon didn't allow her nerves to get the best of her. So she did it. Her hands reached Mina's. 

"Mina, _no_ ," Nayeon said in complete seriousness. "No—no, it had _nothing_ to do with you. Why would you even think that? You were always and will always be more than I deserve. You mean more than this world to me." As each word passed through Nayeon's parted lips, she felt her fingers grace Mina's own. Her heartbeat had quickened, and the butterflies she felt in her stomach from her nerves were no longer there. Still, the truth had to be told. But Nayeon didn't know if she was strong enough for that just yet. She was still afraid of the truth, as she had yet to admit it to herself.

"I didn't leave because of you. My father...my parents...they—" Nayeon sighed, letting her hands drop to her side in defeat. The voice in her head was back, and so were her tears. "They needed help with the company, and they rushed me away from school in the middle of the night, saying I wasn't learning anything here. They said I was wasting my time. They didn't want to see me with—" 

Nayeon let out another sigh, and after, a cynical laugh. Tears were close to falling down her cheek, but she always managed to stop them. "We moved. It was a huge mess. It was more than I could handle. I didn't want you to be a part of my parent's disappointment." Nayeon obviously left out the part where all hell had broken loose when she told her parents that she saw a promising future with another woman. She wondered when the final version of the truth would come out to Mina. If ever.

"Could've at least had the decency to break up with me like a normal person," Mina stated, much calmer now than she was before, at least.

"Mina, I don't know how many times I can apologize. And I don't expect you to forgive me—I don't know if I would even forgive myself, but please know that I did mean those words, and if I could take back everything that happened in the last four years, I would. Nothing that I've done has been worth it—not seeing you, not being with you has been an awful existence. I—” 

Her words came to a sudden halt, the only sound around being that of the passing cars and their steady breathing. "I don't know when we became this dramatic," Nayeon said with a chuckle, hoping that the slight joke would lighten the mood. But immediately after she spoke, a single thought flashed in front of her—it started when _you_ left. It was as if Mina had heard her thoughts, because she felt the tension increase tenfold.

"I would have never done that to you," Mina whispered, looking away a bit painfully. She took quiet breaths, trying to wear off some of her anger and tension. "You left me...I needed you. Of course I'm going to be dramatic about it."

It was hurtful to hear Mina say those words. Because they were true. No one should ever have to do what Nayeon did. And Nayeon wanted to confess the truth, to make Mina understand. To admit to herself that she had been a coward—that she hadn't even fought for the love that they had once had.

"You have every right to be," Nayeon whispered. It was all so tragic in her eyes, a tragedy that could've been averted had she been brave enough— _strong_ enough—to fight. But she wasn't. She never was. It was all a mask—a front that she put up to seem invisible. It came from her family: it was difficult being the daughter of people with power. Everything was a game. And now, Mina was suffering the consequences along with her. Nayeon traced invisible words with her feet as the silence grew, afraid to say anything else. And in the midst of her fright, she spoke without much thought.

"So." A pause—one too long for comfort. "What happens now?" Innocence wrapped around Nayeon's question. It made her feel as if she was a teenager again, as if this was a simple dispute that could be bought with a simple apology. But she hoped, she wished, that Mina would allow her in her life. She needed to be allowed into her life. If she lost Mina again, she wasn't sure how her life would fair.

"I don't know."

Nayeon felt a pull in her chest. She began to imagine Mina's next words before they were even said: _"I don't know, I think we should never see each other again"_ ; _"I don't know, you're an awful human being and deserve to rot in hell"_ (to which Nayeon would reply, _I know, I agree_ , and perhaps even cry—perhaps she would even beg for forgiveness); and finally, _"I don't know, but being with you was the biggest mistake of my life"_.

"For starters, we could stop being so awkward around each other. There was a time when we were best friends."

In the end, it wasn't what Nayeon had had in mind. She let out a sigh of relief upon seeing the faint smile on Mina's lips, prompting a small one to form over her own. She couldn't even help to chuckle at her own stupidity, for having thought that Mina—sweet, sweet, Mina, would let go of her with the same ease that Nayeon herself had.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my goal is to update at least once a week! thank you to everyone who has left kudos <3 i appreciate it

The gravity that had been pulling Nayeon down for the past four years seemed to have lightened—releasing her of that extra pressure that she had gotten so used to. Though she still felt the immense guilt, and an intense desire to speak the final truth, she felt better that she could at least, now, speak to Mina like a normal human being.

"So," Nayeon began again, taking a few steps forward. "Can I still buy you that coffee? I would have loved for it to be a drink, but it's not even six o'clock yet. It feels wrong to drink so early." She let out a chuckle as she stuck her hands in her pockets, trying to lighten the situation—trying to make it seem like she had not fucked up the last four years of Mina's life. 

"Yeah." Mina nodded. "Coffee actually sounds good right now." 

As they walked side by side toward their destination, Nayeon couldn't help but feel that the toughest part of this all was the fact that she couldn't wrap her arms around Mina in a full embrace; that she couldn't put her lips against Mina's; that she couldn't rest her head on the other woman's shoulder the way she used to for comfort, for affection. It suddenly—for a fraction of a second—seemed like no time had passed between the two of them, and for that fraction of a second, Nayeon felt ecstatic that they were together again. And that was the best part: that Nayeon hadn't been turned down by Mina. It was as if they were starting to date again, a second chance at something that could've been but never was. Though Nayeon knew she was deluding herself with these notions, she couldn't help but embrace them as a reality. As if Mina would ever take her back. As if she had already been forgiven. "I still want to know what Myoui Mina has been up to." Or, more specifically, _have you met anyone you call your lover_? But of course, that question would not come out of Nayeon's mouth, as she still possessed some self control. 

"Well, um, I'm a preschool teacher." 

"Really? I thought you'd be in medical school by now," Nayeon replied, tilting her head slightly. 

Mina shrugged. "I realized that path wasn't for me." 

Nayeon just nodded. She remembered how stressed Mina was during their first year of college. Wearing herself thin with all the studying she did. Mina's second home was the library then, and during the nights when she wasn't there, Nayeon often had to beg the other girl to turn off the lights in their dorm room so she could get some sleep. "You were always great with kids, anyway. I think the teacher thing suits you better." 

A blush spread across Mina's cheeks. "Thank you," Mina said, looking down shyly. "And what about you? I bet that job at your father's company keeps you pretty busy." 

"It does. It's the only thing I've been doing, three-hundred-and-sixty-five days a year, for hours on end. It's really taken off, and my dad thought that it was time I manage a large part of it. He didn't think anyone else in the family could handle it." Nayeon paused, realizing just how much information she had been sharing with Mina. How did she ever do that? Get Nayeon to talk so much about the happenings in her head? "Let me shut up now, I've said too much." Nayeon chuckled. 

"No, really, it's okay," Mina said with her own laugh, and the sound was like music to Nayeon's ears. She'd missed Mina's laugh so much. Then again, she was pretty sure she missed everything about the other. "That's wonderful, Nayeon. I'm happy for you and the success of the company." 

"Thanks." Nayeon smiled sheepishly. A big part of the success of the company had been because of her hard work. The thing with Nayeon was that when there was something wrong in her life, she would bury herself in her work. She would forget about an existing life she could have, and of four years, that was the best thing she could've done. Otherwise, she would've gone crazy, figuratively and literally. She had always imagined herself flying back home, and saying screw it to her father, and getting on her knees for Mina, begging for her forgiveness. But the one thing that had always set her back was the thought of seeing Mina with someone else. _She's probably moved on_ , Nayeon always thought. So she always went back to her work, stopping only for sleep. 

After a few more minutes of small talk, they arrived at the coffee shop. "This place is new." Mina gestured toward the establishment. "They started building a lot more after you, uh, left." It came out awkwardly. "If you want...we could get our coffee to go and I could show you around? Since you just got back and all..." 

Nayeon pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. _Since you just got back and all_. She felt an intense guilt at having lied to Mina again—or rather, at having omitted the truth. 

"Yeah," Nayeon said through a weak smile. "That would be really nice." She felt her eyes fill up with tears, even if they weren't present. It killed her to have to lie to Mina, but telling her the truth could be worse. She didn't want Mina to hate her. So she decided to go along with the white lie. She hoped that at some point, it would become something she was so used to, that it would be a lie no longer. 

"This is so cute. How's the coffee here?" Nayeon asked once they were finally inside, not particularly interested in the coffee. She just needed to hear Mina speak, to feel that this was real and not just another one of the fantasies that she had played in her head over and over again. 

"It's pretty good."

Nayeon looked at the menu in front of her, filled with names she had never seen before. She had gotten so used to Starbucks coffee that she had forgotten the taste of local coffees. "So many choices," she said, her voice flat and uninterested. The thought of Mina being with someone else still circled in her mind, and she could think of nothing else. She wanted to ask, but what if she screwed it all up? 

"Mina...uh, there's something I really want to ask, but I'm kind of afraid to find out the answer." Finally the words were out. Still, Nayeon stared up at the menu, wondering if she would feel Mina's gaze on her absent eyes. 

"You can ask me anything, Nayeon. It's not like we're strangers." Maybe that was debatable for the time being, but there was no hesitation behind Mina's words. "What's up?" 

Nayeon felt shy all of the sudden, her cheeks turning red, and the look on her face changing into a coy expression. Before she could ask the question, she was saved by the barista, wondering if this was a sign thrown at her by whatever God was watching over her. She ordered, and waited for Mina to order as she walked to the counter's end. _Stupid_ , _stupid_ , she chanted in her head. She watched Mina's lips move as she spoke to the barista—watched as they puckered with each annunciation. Nayeon imagined herself kissing Mina's neck, and making her way to her lips, where she would linger for hours on end. Having not kissed Mina in almost four years had driven Nayeon close to madness, and now that she was so close, she could practically see herself doing it. 

"Um, I know we're not strangers. It just seems…slightly inappropriate." There was no backing out now. She had to ask the question, or else another web of lies would be created. And this was the very thing that Nayeon would now have to get away from. "It's stupid. And it's none of my business, but I think I'll go crazy if I don't ask." She kept making excuses, as if clarifications would soften the blow, as if it would make her feel less embarrassed about what was about to happen. "Is—is there someone new in your life?" The words were difficult to execute, but Nayeon had managed to say them anyway, immediately feeling foolish—like a child. 

Mina turned to look at her, obviously caught off guard. She pressed her lips together. 

"Look, you don't have to answer, I just...wanted to ask." Nayeon wanted to scream— _not that it matters_ , _but it does_ , _but you don't have to say anything_ , _please don't hate me_ , but she bit her bottom lip instead, as if to stop herself from digging a deeper hole from which she would not be able to climb out. Her eyes, filled with obscure innocence, looked up at Mina as she awaited the answer, wondering if the "yes" would break her heart—or if the "no" would repair it. 

"No." 

Relief immediately washed over Nayeon. She exhaled the breath she didn't know she had been holding. It was like the best news she had ever received. Her eyes locked with Mina's, allowing for a rare moment of intimacy between the two. And, God, Mina was so, _so_ , beautiful, that Nayeon had been rendered speechless. She was this close to Mina now after four long years, and it almost felt like a dream. 

"Have you seen a ghost?" Mina's tone was light and teasing. 

Nayeon snapped out of her daze. She blushed and shook her head, moving to grab her coffee cup off the counter. "Sorry," she said, clearing her throat. "You were going to show me around town, right?" 

Mina laughed softly. "Yeah, I was." 

They spent the next hour exploring what their small town had to offer—reminiscing about their high school days, their old classmates. Nayeon learned that Mina was still close with Momo and Sana. Mina asked Nayeon what life was like abroad. It was easy conversation. Like they had picked up right where they had left off. They avoided the subject of Nayeon's departure altogether (which Nayeon was obviously thankful for). At the end of it, Mina even hugged her, and it was all Nayeon could think about on the way home and before she retired to bed for the night. It was still too soon to tell, but the prospect of repairing her relationship with Mina was becoming more plausible. Nayeon fell asleep with a smile on her face, and maybe it was a little dramatic, but this was _easily_ the happiest she had been in four years. 

It was good to be back. 


End file.
